LT Sports

As I watched SportsNation today on ESPN, I heard that Clay Zavada of the Arizona Diamondbacks was in the running to win ”The Mustached American Of The Year Award.” This story caught my attention because I realized that mustaches are much rarer in sports today than they were a few decades ago. Because the ‘staches come at a premium in sports, I felt it would be perfect to list my favorite cookie dusters from today’s athletes. Here is what I came up with:

1. Kyle Orton – Orton’s ‘upper lip hair’ does nothing to improve his appearance, but I have to say that it does make him look more mature. Without the mustache, I am not sure he would be allowed to enter a football stadium without be asked for ID.

2.  Aaron Rodgers – Rodgers sported his ‘hairy little friend’ for just a short while, but I did leave a lasting image in many people’s memory banks. All I can say is thank goodness that it is long gone.

3. Dallas Clark – Clark’s mustache is everything a mustache should be. It does not look out of place, and it helps his appearance. He just looks like the kind of guy that was born to have a mustache.

4. Ben Roethlisberger – Big Ben’s ‘hair up there’ comes and goes. When he has it, he looks like he has been up all night studying game film, which is probably the truth. If he keeps showing up to games with his ‘stache, defenders know they are in for a long day.

5. Clay Zavada – Zavada’s ‘mucus trapper’ is as old-school as they come. Often compared to Rollie Fingers, Zavada really takes his mustache seriously, as he waxes it to perfection and gives it that great handlebar effect.

6. Baron Davis – Baron’s ‘strip of hair’ is just a small part of his excessive facial hair. It does not have the effect on his face like his cheek-covering beard, but it is certainly necessary to accompany it. That beard without a ‘stache would look very incomplete.

7. Jason Giambi – Giambino’s ‘nostril peeper’ was outright offensive to mustache lovers everywhere. I don’t care how much luck it brought him, he should have never considered keeping that thing on his face. You are a professional athlete! Have some pride!

8. Marc/Pau Gasol - The Gasols’ ‘folically blessed upper lips’ tick me off everytime I look at them. They look like cavemen, and I cannot stand it. However, I have seen pictures of each of them without their ‘staches, and surprisingly, it made them look even worse.

9. Adam Morrison – Morrison’s mustache is one of the ugliest out there. He is already one of the least attractive male athletes, and he makes things even worse when he chooses not to shave. Please keep it off!

10. Randy Johnson – I have gotten so accustomed to Johnson’s ‘lip roots’ that I would probably freak out if I saw him without his mustache. It fits his face perfectly, and he should continue to keep it until the day he dies.

Filed under: funny, Top 10